The Bro Constitution
The sacred document that binds all Bros together in legendary unity.
Where Legendary Lives Forever
"Bros before woes, legends before trends."
The sacred document that binds all Bros together in legendary unity.
Take the sacred oath and join the brotherhood of legends.
Discover the epic 18th-century origins of the Brotherhood.
We, the united Brotherhood of Bros, in recognition of the sacred duty to live large, laugh louder, and always have each other’s backs, do hereby ordain and establish this Bro Constitution. This sacred document exists so that Bros everywhere may prosper in the eternal pursuit of awesomeness, uphold the holy tenets of the Wingman, and ensure that life remains forever — legen—wait for it—dary.
Section 1. Every Bro possesses the inalienable right to call “Shotgun.”
Section 2. No Bro shall be denied late-night pizza, burritos, or nachos.
Section 3. A Bro may refuse karaoke unless the song is Bohemian Rhapsody, Don’t Stop Believin’, or Livin’ on a Prayer.
Section 4. Emergency grooming resources (deodorant, hair gel, cologne) may be borrowed; toothbrushes are forbidden.
Section 5. The sacred Bro Hug shall not be infringed: exactly two pats, no more, no less.
Section 1. A Bro never leaves another Bro stranded at a party, a bar, or IKEA.
Section 2. The Wingman Clause: assist, support, and occasionally sacrifice in the noble pursuit of romance.
Section 3. Provide honest fashion counsel; prevent cargo-short catastrophes and Crocs misuse.
Section 4. Cheer louder for your Bro’s karaoke performance than your own.
Section 5. Stand in solidarity when your Bro’s team loses — especially in fantasy football.
Section 1. The supreme office of the Brotherhood is the Supreme Bro, whose identity remains forever shrouded in mystery. Known only by cryptic messages and legendary deeds, the Supreme Bro guides from the shadows.
Section 2. Bro disputes are settled with best-of-three rock-paper-scissors, Mario Kart, or arm wrestling.
Section 3. The Supreme Bro may convene Bro Councils through encrypted group messages — none know when or where.
Section 4. The Supreme Bro cannot be impeached, for none can prove their existence.
Section 1. Any Bro accused of betrayal shall face trial by peers. The Supreme Bro's verdict arrives via anonymous decree.
Section 2. Penalties may include: buying the next round, wearing a ridiculous outfit chosen by the Brotherhood, or performing a humiliating dance in public.
Section 3. No Bro shall receive cruel and unusual punishment — unless it’s funny.
Section 1. Any Bro may propose an amendment (wings recommended).
Section 2. Approval requires a two-thirds majority of present Bros, or one extremely persuasive “C’mon, bro!”
Section 3. Emergency amendments may be enacted via group text.
Raise your right hand (or your beverage) and repeat:
“I, [Name], do solemnly swear,
On my honor, on my dignity,
And on the last slice of pizza,
That I shall uphold the sacred tenets of Bro-dom.
I pledge loyalty to my Bros,
To wingman without hesitation,
To answer the 2 A.M. call of duty,
To never betray the bond of Bro-hood,
And to live my life forever… legen—wait for it—dary.
So say we all, so say the Bros.”
As recorded in the Annals of Brodom, Vol. I (First Printed, 1783)
In the latter half of the Eighteenth Century, society found itself imperiled by a grievous absence of codified Bro-Law. Quarrels erupted most violently over the divine ordinance of "Shotgun," oftentimes leading to duels at dawn beside the stables. The sacred duty of Wingmanship was neglected with scandalous frequency, leaving gentlemen adrift amidst tavern maidens and dance halls. Worst of all, ale was consumed without the customary toast of "To the Bros." Such affronts to order and decency heralded the collapse of civil society as it was then known.
In the Year of Our Lord 1777, a secret convocation of notable personages convened within a humble public-house of London. There, amidst flickering candlelight and the fumes of roasted mutton, the Founding Bros assembled.
Foremost among them was The Anonymous One, whose true identity was known to none, yet whose presence was felt by all. Some say they wore a mask, others claim they appeared only as a shadow. At the gathering sat Benjamin Frank-Bro, sage of nocturnal feasts; Alexander Hamil-Bro, master quillman of group missives; and George Broshington, venerable father of the two-pat embrace. The Anonymous One spoke only through written notes, signed with a mysterious symbol: 🤝.
In the winter of 1778, upon that fateful "Night of Legend," tankards of ale were raised, parchment unfurled, and the quills of destiny dipped in ink (and, it must be admitted, pizza grease). Long into the night the assembly debated, until at last the sacred statutes were laid down:
Thus was born the Constitution of Bros.
In the spring of 1779, the charter was ratified by unanimous fist-bump. Henceforth, all disputes among Bros were adjudicated not by saber nor musket, but by noble contests: Rock-Paper-Scissors, the Duel of Arm Wrestling, and, when stakes were most grave, the Keg Stand of Justice.
These proceedings gave rise to the first Courts of Bro Justice, presided over by the Supreme Bro, whose verdicts were accepted with reverence (and occasional chants of "Bro! Bro! Bro!").
In the ensuing decades, the Bro Constitution spread throughout the world. From the lecture halls of Oxford to the dormitories of the New World, its articles were recited, its tenets observed. Secret orders such as the Council of Beer Pong and the Order of the Wingman traced their lineage to that hallowed parchment.
This age, oft called the Golden Age of Bros, was marked by legendary feasts, sporting triumphs,
and the universal adoption of the call-and-response:
"To the Bros!" — "Forever Legendary!"
Society divided over Shotgun rights and wingman duties. Chaos reigned supreme.
Founding Bros convene in secret London tavern to draft the sacred charter.
After 72 hours of debate, pizza, and ale, the Constitution is completed.
Unanimous fist-bump seals the Constitution into eternal law.
Supreme Bro presides over inaugural case: "The Matter of the Stolen Nachos."
Though centuries have passed, the Constitution remains inviolate. Every high-five exchanged, every sacrifice of the last slice of pizza, every earnest cry of "Bro!" is but an echo of that sacred night.
Thus it is written:
When Bros were divided, they united.
When chaos threatened, they codified.
When the world doubted, they became legendary.
⚖️ Sealed with the Mark of Brotherhood, Anno Domini 1779
Scenario 1: Your Bro texts "Code Red" during a bad date
→ Call immediately with a fake emergency requiring their presence
Scenario 2: Two Bros like the same person
→ Rock, paper, scissors, best of three. Loser provides wingman services
Scenario 3: A Bro's ex shows up at the party
→ Form a human shield and execute Operation: Smooth Exit
Scenario 4: Your Bro is about to drunk-text their ex
→ Confiscate phone immediately. Return only when sober
DEFCON 5: "I'm bored" → Suggest activities via text
DEFCON 4: "Bad day at work" → Beer and gaming session required
DEFCON 3: "Got dumped" → Immediate Bro gathering within 2 hours
DEFCON 2: "Family emergency" → Drop everything and show up
DEFCON 1: "I need bail money" → No questions asked until after
Casually mention your Bro's achievements without making it obvious. "Oh, John? Yeah, he just got back from volunteering in Costa Rica. He doesn't like to talk about it though..."
Suggest group photos that position your Bro favorably next to their interest. You take the photos to ensure optimal angles.
Know when to leave. If chemistry is detected, execute a smooth exit: "I just remembered I have to... feed my neighbor's cat. You two keep chatting!"
Have 3 go-to stories that make your Bro look amazing. Practice the delivery. Timing is everything.
Eternal Guardian of Brotherhood
"I am everyone. I am no one. I am Bro."
Patron Saint of Midnight Snacks
“Bros before woes.”
Scribe of Group Chats
“Write like you’re running out of time.”
Protector of the Bro Hug
“Two pats. No more.”
Eternal Inspiration
“Suit up.”